A sense of being alone!

 Time: 01.04am. A humid night, mind racing, can't sleep.

Every day my world seems to get smaller and smaller, Government lockdown guidelines are now beginning to really piss me off, and probably many others as well. There are those who think that because I live in sheltered accommodation there is always someone to talk to, always someone to engage with. Most of the people in this establishment like to keep themselves to themselves, besides we're not allowed to gather in any groups of more than six people.

I'm living every day in some degree of pain whether it be my hip, my back, or my shoulders or hands, there is always some part of me that hurts. Sure, I complain sometimes, who wouldn't? But most of the time I carry on the best I can however much pain I'm in, although I'm not a quitter there are times when I just want to give up because I can't take any more of this shit! 

I want to talk about my predicament to someone but who the hell wants to hear an old geezer complaining? Because that's how most people will see it. I've always said I don't want sympathy, just some empathy. I feel like I've always lived my life chasing something I'm never going to catch and when I think I've finally found some real happiness in my life then something comes along and spoils it, not takes it away but spoils it!

Many times just lately I've felt so alone, then looking back it's what my whole life has been about. Being brought up with four sisters and no brother gave me a sense of being alone, having a father who I didn't really connect with, a selfish controlling wife, and later a partner who pandered too much to her kids also gave me a sense of being alone. I have two kids, my son I see or hear from regularly but my daughter sometimes might just as well be another planet. 

Finally, I find someone who I do connect with, someone with who I can honestly say that I love, a soul mate, then the Universe decides to drop a bundle of problems in our lap and, although I'm there for my partner, and always will be, to support her and back her up, that dreaded feeling of being alone rears its ugly head again. 

I never feel lonely, but very often I feel alone in this world, maybe I'm paying a pennant for something I did wrong in another life, or is it for everything I've done wrong in this life? I try to be a good person but like everyone else, I don't always succeed.

Life isn't worth living right now!

Time: 01.48am. Still humid. Mind still racing. Still can't sleep