Dawns Dilemma

 Right now I'm feeling just a little bit stressed. Why? I have a roof over my head, and some money in the bank although I am not that well off, and my general health isn't that bad, apart from my knackered joints that prevent me from walking. So, why am I feeling stressed?

I worry about Dawn, she's been dealt a bad hand the past four years, first, there were problems with her son and his girlfriend, and then her dad got dementia and she ended up looking after him for about a year before her and her brother managed to get him into a care home. In between that, there were other family issues she had to deal with, one being her Mum passing away just after Christmas. Then there's her own flat and garden which have been neglected through no fault of her own.

There's very little I can do for her physically, I feel so helpless watching her trying to build this or clear that. She tries to do too much at once, she ends up spending money she doesn't need to, and then gets stressed. Tiredness and fatigue kick in and then she takes to her bed. She's a strong-minded determined person, but there are times when she needs to step back and take stock of her life, she's 70 years old for goodness sake, and should not be doing what she does.

I'm not a religious person but I must admit to praying for her at times. Come on Universe, give her a break, she doesn't deserve all this crap!

 

RIP Ma'am, you served us well.

Thursday  8-9-2022

Today was a sad day for our country and the Commonwealth, today HRH Queen Elizabeth passed away aged 96. I was never a big fan of the Royal Family but I always admired The Queen. 

Like all Royals down the years, they had their dark side and their scandals, but she seemed to rise above them. 

It's such a shame there are those haters who would love to see the end of the Monarchy, maybe downgrade it but not get rid of it.

Good news, Bad news

Time: 20.36 

Well, it's been a couple of months since I wrote anything on here and then I was full of anxiety as I remember, but not now! About five weeks ago I got the phone call I'd been desperately waiting for and now I'm just four sleeps away from going into Spire hospital for a new hip, the relief I'm feeling is almost euphoric. As I write I'm in three days isolation, but hopefully, the time will fly by and I'll be back home before I know it, assuming nothing goes wrong, and I'm sure nothing will.

Since I last wrote on here I've been on a week's holiday to The Isle of Wight, even though it rained a lot of the time it was good to get away, and any time away with Dawny is always good.

Sadly there was some bad news about my grandson Charlie who's been fighting cancer for three years now. Just when we think he's beaten it, the bad news is that he might not survive it as the cancer has now reached his lymph nodes, I'm still numb after hearing that, goodness knows what Sarah and Jon are feeling and Charlie himself. 

Time: 20. 49 Current mood: Calm, anticipating, relieved

Bad dreams

Time  13.23.  Current mood: Anxious, stressed.

We've all had dreams good or bad, sometimes we have dreams that bother us, some that stick in our minds, and some that leave us with a strong sense of anxiety. Last night I had one such dream and it left me feeling very anxious so much so that I cant clear it from my mind, maybe I shouldn't have looked up its meaning.

As I write this all I can remember is my car being stolen and me walking across a potholed-filled muddy car park looking for it without any success, obviously there was a lot more to the dream but this is all I can remember.

There were a few meanings attached to the dream, unfortunately, all negative, but the one that is causing me this anxiety is "a failed relationship". A while back Dawn and I had a bit of a bust-up, leaving both of us angry with each other, thankfully we patched it up and we now seem to be back to our old selves. Now I can't get this bloody awful feeling out of my head that our relationship might end!

I can't walk very well, or at all without any kind of walking aid, I cant help out in the garden, in fact, there's not much I can do physically, and an almost permanent feeling of helplessness and anxiety is definitely not helping my mental health either but I try to stay upbeat, which is not easy.

Christ! I don't know what I'd do without Dawny, although she looks out for me and totally understands my reduced mobility she doesn't make a fuss 'cos I really wouldn't like that. 

As I wrote in a previous blog, there are things that have happened in the past twelve months or so that have almost pushed a wedge between us and I know Dawn has had a lot of stress and tension to contend with but I'm determined it's not going to destroy our relationship.

Time 13.50  Stilled filled with anxiety

Someone up there has got it in for me it seems

 Another day goes by and still no news from the hospital as to when my hip will be done, it's so bloody frustrating! As each week goes by the less I can do, the less distance I can walk, and now it's becoming increasingly painful just to drive any distance.

I feel like I'm being sucked into a bottomless pit of despair and nobody gives a shit, as I put in a previous blog, that sense of being alone is returning, which starts me overthinking stuff!

Last weekend Dawny and I fell out, and yes it was her fault even though I shall be looked on as being the villain here. Dawny has, for the most part, got a heart of gold, for what she's done for me since my walking has become worse I can't thank her enough, she's been an absolute angel, I really don't know where I'd be without her but...

Yes, there's always a but isn't there? For all the good in her, she has a cynical, sarcastic, nasty side to her, where she can be so annoying with her nit-picking (for want of a better way of putting it).

We all say something derogatory about someone sometime in our lives, and last week I was doing such a thing about a neighbour, and everything I said about him Dawny's response was invariably, "So are you," or "So did you," and this isn't just a one-off, she's been like that ever since I've known her. At first, I shrugged it off, then over the years it became irritating, now it just becomes bloody annoying, if I'm as bad as that then why the hell is she still with me? Just because I got annoyed with her comebacks and told her so she has now been sulking for five days and counting. She accused me of dishing it out but not being able to take it. Not true! But when I get the same shit time and time again it then becomes boring, irritating, then eventually downright bloody annoying. Grrrrrrrr!!!

I've had a reasonably good life, yea there's been a few bad bits as we all get. Apart from Mum and Yvonne passing away, marriage breakup, and what could've been a lifetime of belittling put-downs from my Dad, it's not been too bad. Sometimes I think to myself is it really worth going on anymore? 

A sense of being alone!

 Time: 01.04am. A humid night, mind racing, can't sleep.

Every day my world seems to get smaller and smaller, Government lockdown guidelines are now beginning to really piss me off, and probably many others as well. There are those who think that because I live in sheltered accommodation there is always someone to talk to, always someone to engage with. Most of the people in this establishment like to keep themselves to themselves, besides we're not allowed to gather in any groups of more than six people.

I'm living every day in some degree of pain whether it be my hip, my back, or my shoulders or hands, there is always some part of me that hurts. Sure, I complain sometimes, who wouldn't? But most of the time I carry on the best I can however much pain I'm in, although I'm not a quitter there are times when I just want to give up because I can't take any more of this shit! 

I want to talk about my predicament to someone but who the hell wants to hear an old geezer complaining? Because that's how most people will see it. I've always said I don't want sympathy, just some empathy. I feel like I've always lived my life chasing something I'm never going to catch and when I think I've finally found some real happiness in my life then something comes along and spoils it, not takes it away but spoils it!

Many times just lately I've felt so alone, then looking back it's what my whole life has been about. Being brought up with four sisters and no brother gave me a sense of being alone, having a father who I didn't really connect with, a selfish controlling wife, and later a partner who pandered too much to her kids also gave me a sense of being alone. I have two kids, my son I see or hear from regularly but my daughter sometimes might just as well be another planet. 

Finally, I find someone who I do connect with, someone with who I can honestly say that I love, a soul mate, then the Universe decides to drop a bundle of problems in our lap and, although I'm there for my partner, and always will be, to support her and back her up, that dreaded feeling of being alone rears its ugly head again. 

I never feel lonely, but very often I feel alone in this world, maybe I'm paying a pennant for something I did wrong in another life, or is it for everything I've done wrong in this life? I try to be a good person but like everyone else, I don't always succeed.

Life isn't worth living right now!

Time: 01.48am. Still humid. Mind still racing. Still can't sleep

The Apocalypse Is Just Around The Corner

Snow is falling over some of the country, but not here in Gosport Hampshire thank goodness, but it's still bloody cold and with the cold comes a tad more pain in my joints. Getting old definitely ain't for wimps that's for sure!

Covid is still kicking arse around the world but hopefully being contained, but not quick enough. I had my first vaccination a few days ago, no after-effects thank goodness, another 12 weeks until the next one, bloody hell! That's three months!😟

Now, I have a theory about the said virus, and most other viruses and bacterium come to that. Conspiracy theorists are blaming China, the USA, or Russia, they could be right but I reckon there's a lot more to it than that. In the past couple of hundred years, man being the curious creature that he is has been exploring dense jungles and caves, opening up ancient tombs, digging deep mines, and generally raping the Earth for its natural resources. It makes me wonder just how many viruses and bacterias have been freed into our modern world? Also coming into contact with many species of animals that wouldn't otherwise come anywhere near us because of our destruction of rain forests and other habitats.

I've always thought that our world would end not through nuclear war or even environmental catastrophe but by some of the smallest creatures on this earth. A little bit of simple research ie: Good old Google, shows that a virus can infect even bacteria and that it needs a host cell to exist in actual fact take a look at this it tells you more 

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/158179

Right now I'm just fed up with this lockdown, with conspiracy theorists, scaremongers, unqualified know-alls, mainstream media, and Government lies. Our world, our way of life, our entire existence is on a downward spiral, and that's going to be the Apocalypse not thermal nuclear destruction as some might think, and now my neck hurts.

Current mood: Calm, thoughtful, and hungry